Hallmark's Home and Family Segement on Trust

                                                                          
Recently, on my guest appearance on Hallmark Home and Family, the show investigated the question of TRUST. What does it mean, why does it happen, why is it lost, and how does one regain it. Here is recap of the show segment. If you wish to watch the video please go to my site at www.ConnectingSoulToMate.com 
 


Hallmark Home and Family Segment: Rebuilding Trust 

Trust is defined as the assurance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone . When that is broken, incredible feelings of doubt, shame, and sadness may set in . 

Many couples become overwhelmed and will either live in denial, end their relationship, or seek help. It is in the therapeutic work of couples therapy that there can be ground breaking revelations. 

Perhaps, there may be a discovery that a partner may have learned to define their worth and validation through the conquest of others.  Perhaps, a partner's choice to have the affair could have been the result of a maladaptive defense mechanisms. Perhaps, a partner as a child, may have never learned to stand up for themselves to an angry parent, and therefore, as an adult, never learned to speak their truths in their marriages. Therefore, rather than being open to deal their feelings of guilt or shame from the past, they instead, run away into dalliances to feel free with others.  

Then, there can also be the reality that the other partner knew for years about the lie. Many times as a counselor, I have heard, “I kept feeling something strange, but I never said anything or acted on it." And it is only through the process of uncovering their past,  that the partner may find that their acceptance of lies, and turning a cheek to infidelity, stemmed as a learned behavior from their family of origin.

How Do Couples Begin To Authentically Build Trust Again?

1) State Feelings

Acknowledge that the trust in your relationship has been broken.  Suppressing feelings of betrayal can lead to resentment. Ways to do this is to use non-blaming 'I' statements.   Saying, “YOU always, YOU must, YOU never,” or “YOU should” sets unreasonable expectations that other person is responsible for your own happiness.

Instead, by utilizing ‘I’ statements,  partners can break what I like to call, THE COUPLES CODEPENDENCY BLAME GAME, by taking responsibility of their own feelings, and empowering themselves to take ownership of their individual roles in the partnership.

Some examples of using non blaming ‘I’ statements might be:

"I feel that my heart is broken .”  

“I feel mad, sad, or confused.”

Even, “I feel so ashamed that I lied to you, I know I was wrong, I am sorry,  
but I felt so stifled in our relationship.”

 2)Take Responsibility

Do the work by stating your part and role in the relationship: 

  

"I didn't set boundaries and stayed.”

 “I learned that I am playing out the relationship with my Father or Mother in this relationship.”

“I cheated and I am incredibly sorry, because I felt disconnected in the relationship." 

Demonstrating and taking responsibility states respect that as an individual in the relationship, each person played a part.  Prove your trustworthiness by taking responsibility to be honest, and apologize for your actions.
 

3) State Boundaries and Consequences
 

Many couples have never made a mission statement out loud of what their deal breakers are, and what their consequences are if those boundaries are broken.

"I want a relationship that is built with respect, love, and affection. I will not accept a lie, or someone who is not there for me fully again.” 

"I want to work on this relationship, and I will stay truthful, but I need to be supported as well in my own dreams and desires."

Stating boundaries out loud helps keep accountability. Most importantly, stating your consequences sets a clear map to yourself and your partner that if boundaries are broken again, then the relationship will be over.

4) Start Anew

Renew your commitment to your relationship.  Set date nights, seeks couples therapy, or find loving rituals with each other to rebuild the relationship. Most importantly, learn to strengthen your Couples Coping Strategies. Ask yourselves, what will you do when life throws you a curve ball? How will handle difficult times in the future when you disagree? Some positive conflict solution skills you may agree upon as a couple could be taking a walk to cool down after a fight, listening more to each other, lowering your voice when upset, or even holding your partner’s hand when they are frustrated.

5) Finish What You Started  

Learn to be open and explore this challenge, whether you decided to stay or go. Set the intention that instead of protecting against the pain, learn to be open to the lessons of love. Most importantly, give it time. Accept the apology of the person who caused the mistrust in your relationship, and realize that building it back again takes time. Forgiveness is essential for your relationship to move forward successfully. Lastly, understand that until you find healing and learn the lesson in your current relationship, then you won't be able to open the door to a more healthy, authentic relationship in the future.

For more info please visit my website www.ConnectingSoulToMate.com.

OraQuick In Home HIV Test Press Kit

           
            Finally, an easy, in home, 20 minute, 
                        HIV oral swab test! 

As a relationship counselor, I have had the great honor to be a supportive agent not only for the Aids Foundation, but also to bring safe sex awareness to singles everywhere! Getting tested is imperative for your health, and for others as well!

Part of my vast journey has also been hearing story after story of how scary getting tested can be. I also validate anyone's previously, prolonged experience to get results! First, making the doctor's appointment, then giving blood, then waiting almost 2 weeks to hear a response. Let's also mention if one lived in a small town, where one may personally know the physician. It's no wonder why many felt they simple could not tolerate the humiliation of going through the testing process!

However, now the FDA has finally approved an easy, in home test!  
Before writing this blog, I found a local pharmacy, marched right in to buy this over the counter, no prescription needed, and wonderfully, not hidden behind the pharmacists' hidden glass product to give it a try.

Here's why I am such a huge fan of OraQuick!

No Blood
Just an easy oral swap.

Results Are in 20
Called rapid results, you may read your results between as early as 20 to no longer than 40 mins.

Easy Instructions
As I am a visual processor, the kit gives you easy diagrams to show how to use it.

Results are Simple
No wishy washy ways to read results! If you are negative, then there is ONE line. If you are positive, there are TWO lines.  

Discrete Removal
There is a discrete bag, that almost looks like a plastic, no see through, Fed Ex Package to completely dispose of the test.

Customer Support and Resource Guide
If you have any questions there is customer support, or even resources for counseling in your area.


On a note of caution, Ora Quick, as well as The Center for Disease Control clearly states that you must wait 3 months from your last sexual partner
(including oral sex ) to have a true negative result.


Please go to http://www.oraquick.com/Home to find a retailer close to you!

Also please go to http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/testing/index.htm  
to read more about HIV testing.

    To see more of me go to http://connectingsoultomate.com/

 



 


  

Hallmark Home and Family Show

                      

                         Getting to The Next Level

If you were unable to view my segment on Hallmark's Home and Family then here is a recap for you. 

Feel free to visit my website if you wish to watch the segment on video www.ConnectingSoulToMate.com.

  
As many women feel the pressure after the passing of Valentine’s day, they may race to quickly deliver a dreaded ultimatum. This is all in hopes to get to the next level of either commitment, moving in together, saying “I love you,” or even marriage. Ladies, here are some simple steps you need to be ready to NOT have that desired man- Run For His Life!

Timing Counts

Ready …set …breath! The best time to have ANY heartfelt discussion may not be immediately. That means NOT over several glasses of vino, nor right after watching The Way We Were!   

Ask yourself, have you given this relationship time? Remember, the first 3 months of dating are all about meeting a representative if you will. This means, everyone is on a "honeymoon stage," presenting to show their best behaviors.

Ask, is this lust- or could this be the real deal? Do we share the same life values, and how do we communicate together, BEFORE having this important discussion.

Most importantly, investigate the details. Are you having this conversation because you are afraid to be alone, or are you having it as you are filled with happiness? 

Clarify Your Needs Not Your Ultimatums

Nothing makes a man run faster than a woman stating an ultimatum. Just the word sends chills down most men’s spines, and sends them into fantasies of being caged forever in The Dreaded Dude's Pushover Purgatory.

Know, it’s perfectly healthy to set boundaries to your potential partner, but if you can’t clearly identify what changes and needs are most important for the relationship to grow, then moving to next level is a bad idea. 

Importantly, if you don't know what you NEED from the relationship, then how can you appropriately express it, and expect your partner to be a mind reader to magically figure it out for you?

Calm Communication

On the other hand, if you are clear about what you need, then remember, lead with a compassionate stance, without raising your voice to express your feelings. 

Listen- no really listen. Don't interrupt, and try to focus on what your partner is saying, rather than formulating your own responses. 

Breath. Nothing is worse than scaring a guy off with loaded emotions, or worse trapping them into a promised commitment to appease your tears.  

Finally, stay true to your goals. Let them know that you value their feelings, and where they are at in their life now, but you must do what is right for you.

Stay Positive
Setting any ultimatum sends a message that the other person must inevitably sacrifice something, but if instead, you set clear, positive boundaries that state your essential needs for your life goals, ( i.e. "I have needs to be married," or "I have needs to have an exclusive relationship," or  "I have needs to have a baby") then this sets a more positive tone for your discussion. Nothing is worse than making the "YOU should" statements (i.e. "YOU should" marry me, or "YOU should" not got out with other people, or "YOU should" tell me you love me.)

Release Expectations
Be open and prepared for not getting the answer you had hoped for. Why? We can only control our OWN actions, and getting locked into changing another person is self destructive in every way. 

Practice how you would agree to disagree, calmly ( without crashing a beer mug on his head) if you don’t get what you need, and think of how you would wish this person well, yet still state your boundaries.   

Remember, just continuing a cycle of repeated fights and disagreements to hopefully get what you desire will only prolong the inevitable- it just wasn't meant to be.

Realize, you did your best and stated your needs. If that person is excited as you are to move to the next level, then wonderful! 

If not, then know you did all you could do, and move on to the partner you were meant to be with. 

Long Distance Dating

            
           
    







Dear Candace,

I just saw you on E Entertainment! I loved your honesty and bluntness when it comes to the pitfalls of dating. You mentioned in your book your feelings on long distance dating. Recently, I met someone who I think is amazing online. The problem is he lives 8 hours away. He just wrote that he would love to fly me in to visit him one weekend. His email was so romantic, as he wrote that he had this particular weekend all planned out, but I am not sure. His picture is so cute, and he seems terribly sweet on the phone. I am afraid of the distance. He is only an eight hour drive away, and it's not like he lives in another country. I really want to meet him! Help, I am hoping you will respond that it's okay to fly out to see him .

____________________________________________
Dear Long Distance Dater:

I commend you on honoring your own internal barometer. The fact that you took the time to write," I am not sure," signals to me that you have an awareness and concern that the distance will take its toll. Give yourself a pat on the back for not jumping into something before examining this closer.

Ask yourself these questions, and as mush as possible be present and connected to your intuition.

Question 1
Do you know where will you stay?

Setting a safety net boundary is paramount! Hearing a sweet voice on the phone is not enough these days, and I would not be ethically responsible if I did not alert you to this fact. Simply turn on the TV and you will hear story after story of attractive, charismatic..... serial killers....all who won over their victims with their sweet charms.

I am not suggesting that you invite negativity into this question, but instead, develop an air that you respect yourself enough to not put yourself into an unknown situation, and that you need to take this slow. Which by the way, leads me to my next question.


Question 2
Are you ready to fast forward a first date to a weekend?

This is tricky . You wrote he had a whole weekend planned, meaning will you be spending the whole day and evening with him ? Can you really be ready for that? How do you know that he is as you wrote, " amazing." Just seeing a picture, and talking on the phone a few times will not truly represent a person in the flesh, and who they are. Only time can do that, and thus, is the crux of long distance dating.

Then there is the other warning flag-  you might not feel a connection at all when you meet him. You will then be stuck with this guy, finding to your horror that you have no similarities, same life goals, or worse, that he may look nothing like his picture. Which by the way, happens often in the online world. 

What would happen then, and do you have an out, or an emergency planned ahead if he turns out to be Mr Frankenstein after all?

Please know, actions speak louder than kind words via the phone or online. Get to really know this person first, face to face, before you allow yourself to land into a dangerous situation. 

Big suggestion here: How about using Skype a few times?

Question 3
Do you have the lifestyle to travel eight hours away to keep the relationship alive?

If you do feel a connection, then sooner or later someone will have to make a sacrifice to move. I believe that love is about compromise, not sacrifice. Unless you are willing, or had plans to relocate already FOR YOURSELF , then may I advise to tread lightly.

If you still choose to give it a try please, make sure to be realistic. Again, I am certainly not trying to blanket out any "dating can be fun" campfires. However, letting fantasies, or wanting to feel connected to someone dissolve safety boundaries can be dangerous. 

Know it takes time to really know someone. 

Remember, we all are on our best behaviors when we meet someone, and sometimes we get so stuck in the fairytale, that we forget what is the reality of a situation.

Best of luck ! 



To see my Press Videos, Lecture Reels, Get my book, Be A Dating Dahling, or to Ask a Question Go To:
www.ConnectingSoulToMate.com

         
      Connecting Soul To Mate
                          
                          

  




I learned long ago that there is truth to the universal law of attraction that states, "That what you feel inside, is exactly what will manifest in your life."


If deeply suppressed feelings of fear, shame, and low self esteem are holding you back from creating the best relationships in your life, or connecting you to inauthentic partners, then this could be the time to reach out for supportive healing and assistance.

Ways to begin the process of emotional repair could be to meditate, journal, discover a support group, seek a compassionate therapist, or even try an innovative technique known as 
Core Energetics.

Core Energetics incorporates a holistic approach, as its theory suggests that we are all connected to our inner core, being it the inner psyche, as well as the body. Our bodies hold many emotional scars that we sometimes never realize how on an unconscious level, mold into our everyday lives, and most importantly, through our choices in relationships.

I had heard the buzz about this therapeutic technique, and was intrigued to find out more. I set up an interview with Cindy Michel, a certified Core Energetics Practitioner since 2004, who also holds a MA in clinical psychology from Antioch University.

At first, I had no idea what to expect. The only experience I possessed with body therapy was with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, (CBT) which used breathing exercises, and a deep muscle technique known as Progressive Relaxation to decrease anxiety. However, when Cindy greeted me with a big smile, welcoming me into her large, inviting office, I was immediately drawn to her incredibly direct, yet soothing energy. As I began to relax on the couch, Cindy suggested that I use this interview as a session for myself.

After accepting her offer, Cindy then inquired what I wished to accomplish in our time together, and what did I feel were my possible obstacles. By bringing forth my skewed thoughts that said,
"I was too old," or "If I failed then I would die," I was able to define how these statements controlled my actions. 

Cindy then explained how to rework my thought distortions that were not based in truth nor reality. Bottom line, I would not actually die by trying again, nor was I past an age to continue to dream either!

Soon after, Cindy then had me stand, and proceeded to give me a tennis racket to hit a large, padded box . Cindy suggested that as I hit the box, I focus on rewording my dysfunctional thoughts. She also suggested that I get in touch with my feelings of anger, shame, and defeat. Here I was allowed in a safe space, to use whatever physical force I needed to process these feelings, not only in mind, but in body and spirit as well.

I wont lie, I felt darn silly hitting that box. Cindy noted that was a typical response, but that I could channel my nervousness to concentrate on how my body was responding. I certainly had a good sweat swinging at the box, and afterwards, Cindy had me move on to use a large body ball. It was while releasing my voice and negative energy on this ball that something clicked immediately. My whole body shook, as if magnetic lightning traveled through my body. It was incredibly liberating to let go, and not have to apologize for using what I like to describe as "choice curse words" to release my anger.

Cindy later explained that by the act of doing these core energetic exercises, one could release old suppressed feelings, so that the brain may then be free to reinforce positive thoughts to make action happen. Very similar to that old saying, "Think and so you shall be." Shakespeare, by all means made a lovely verse, but if your brain is filled with negative, dysfunctional thoughts, such as "I am not worthy, or I will never find someone, or I cannot trust and surrender to a relationship," then your brain will surely continue its old pattern of producing self proclaiming prophecies to sabotage any relationship.

Like cluttered junk, these thoughts fester and build over time. Core Energetics assists in clearing out the clutter. It is only after this removal that one may reboot the brain to a more balanced state.

Needless to say, I finished the session feeling exhausted, but surprisingly exhilarated. Most of all, I left having a sense of peace that I had done some real spring cleaning of the soul, mind, and body to reach some solutions.

If you would like to read more about Cindy Michel, her individual practice, or her Core Energetics seminars please go to:

www.cindymichel.com
cindy@cindymichel.com
310 597 2723


As I am always involved in ways to create therapeutic solutions to help others, if you have referrals, please visit my email or website at

cdmcraft@aol.com
www.ConnectingSoulTo Mate.com

MTV G's To Gents

                                                Dating Faux Pas
 
                                                Candace Mckenzie
                                                         


If you had the opportunity to see me on MTV's, G's To Gents, then you know my feelings on the subject of cellphone use. However, if you missed the show, then here is the quick, but important recap. 

Singles Beware! 

Cellphone and texting abuse on a date is my Number One , most offensive, dating faux pas!  
Cellphones are an important part of our busy lives now. However, I feel that there may be no reason for you to not give your full, undivided attention to your date. 

Now of course, there could be emergencies.... 

But unless you are an ER doctor, or a parent waiting to hear from your child, there may be NO excuse for you to be constantly looking at your phone! It's so distracting, and frankly in bad taste.

This also goes for wearing those ridiculous blue tooths while on a date. Please kindly take them off . (I seriously once had a man wear it for our entire dinner date, and I ended up feeling like I was playing a game of Space Cadets in a sand box.)

Option note here, if you must take a call or return a text for an emergency, kindly let your date know that by saying, "I wanted to apologize upfront that I may have to take this call. I know it's rude, but I will make it quick. After the call, I promise I will turn my phone off to give you my full attention."

Remember, actions speak louder than words, and manners go a long way in the dating world, and if you cannot do your best to invest your fully, focused time to your date, then know you are NOT ready to meet the one.

FYI: This also goes to those Facebook , Twitter, and Instagram addicts- if you want a relationship, then please find a social network, support group!

  For More Info Go To My site for Press, Videos and Contact info!
www.ConnectingSoulTo Mate.com