Recently, on my guest appearance on Hallmark Home and Family, the show investigated the question of TRUST. What does it mean, why does it happen, why is it lost, and how does one regain it. Here is recap of the show segment. If you wish to watch the video please go to my site at www.ConnectingSoulToMate.com
Hallmark Home and Family Segment: Rebuilding Trust
Trust is defined as the assurance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone . When that is broken, incredible feelings of doubt, shame, and sadness may set in .
Many couples become overwhelmed and will either live in denial, end their relationship, or seek help. It is in the therapeutic work of couples therapy that there can be ground breaking revelations.
Perhaps, there may be a discovery that a partner may have learned to define their worth and validation through the conquest of others. Perhaps, a partner's choice to have the affair could have been the result of a maladaptive defense mechanisms. Perhaps, a partner as a child, may have never learned to stand up for themselves to an angry parent, and therefore, as an adult, never learned to speak their truths in their marriages. Therefore, rather than being open to deal their feelings of guilt or shame from the past, they instead, run away into dalliances to feel free with others.
Then,
there can also be the reality that the other partner knew for years about the
lie. Many times as a counselor, I have heard, “I kept feeling something strange,
but I never said anything or acted on it." And it
is only through the process of uncovering their past, that the partner
may find that their acceptance of lies, and turning a cheek to
infidelity, stemmed as a learned behavior from their family of origin.
How Do Couples Begin To Authentically Build Trust Again?
1) State Feelings
Acknowledge that the trust in your relationship has been broken. Suppressing feelings of betrayal can lead to resentment. Ways to do this is to use non-blaming 'I' statements. Saying, “YOU always, YOU must, YOU never,” or “YOU should” sets unreasonable expectations that other person is responsible for your own happiness.
Acknowledge that the trust in your relationship has been broken. Suppressing feelings of betrayal can lead to resentment. Ways to do this is to use non-blaming 'I' statements. Saying, “YOU always, YOU must, YOU never,” or “YOU should” sets unreasonable expectations that other person is responsible for your own happiness.
Instead, by utilizing ‘I’
statements, partners can break what I
like to call, THE COUPLES CODEPENDENCY BLAME GAME, by taking responsibility of
their own feelings, and empowering themselves to take ownership of their individual
roles in the partnership.
Some examples of using non
blaming ‘I’ statements might be:
"I feel that my heart is
broken .”
“I feel mad, sad, or confused.”
Even, “I feel so ashamed that
I lied to you, I know I was wrong, I am sorry,
but I felt so stifled in our relationship.”
but I felt so stifled in our relationship.”
2)Take Responsibility
Do the work by stating your
part and role in the relationship:
"I didn't set boundaries
and stayed.”
“I learned that I am playing out the
relationship with my Father or Mother in this relationship.”
“I cheated and I am
incredibly sorry, because I felt disconnected in the relationship."
Demonstrating and taking
responsibility states respect that as an individual in the relationship, each
person played a part. Prove your trustworthiness
by taking responsibility to be honest, and apologize for your actions.
3) State Boundaries and Consequences
Many couples have never made a mission statement out loud of what their deal
breakers are, and what their consequences are if those boundaries are broken.
"I want a relationship
that is built with respect, love, and affection. I will not accept a lie, or
someone who is not there for me fully again.”
"I want to work on this
relationship, and I will stay truthful, but I need to be supported as well in
my own dreams and desires."
Stating boundaries out loud
helps keep accountability. Most importantly, stating your consequences sets a
clear map to yourself and your partner that if boundaries are broken again,
then the relationship will be over.
4) Start Anew
Renew your commitment to your
relationship. Set date nights, seeks
couples therapy, or find loving rituals with each other to rebuild the
relationship. Most importantly, learn to strengthen your Couples Coping Strategies.
Ask yourselves, what will you do when life throws you a curve ball? How will
handle difficult times in the future when you disagree? Some positive conflict
solution skills you may agree upon as a couple could be taking a walk to cool
down after a fight, listening more to each other, lowering your voice when
upset, or even holding your partner’s hand when they are frustrated.
5) Finish What You Started
Learn to be open and explore this challenge, whether you decided to stay or go. Set the intention that instead of protecting against the pain, learn to be open to the lessons of love. Most importantly, give it time. Accept the apology of the person who caused the mistrust in your relationship, and realize that building it back again takes time. Forgiveness is essential for your relationship to move forward successfully. Lastly, understand that until you find healing and learn the lesson in your current relationship, then you won't be able to open the door to a more healthy, authentic relationship in the future.
For more info please visit my website www.ConnectingSoulToMate.com.
