Dear Candace,
I just saw you on E Entertainment! I loved your honesty and bluntness when it comes to the pitfalls of dating. You mentioned in your book your feelings on long distance dating. Recently, I met someone who I think is amazing online. The problem is he lives 8 hours away. He just wrote that he would love to fly me in to visit him one weekend. His email was so romantic, as he wrote that he had this particular weekend all planned out, but I am not sure. His picture is so cute, and he seems terribly sweet on the phone. I am afraid of the distance. He is only an eight hour drive away, and it's not like he lives in another country. I really want to meet him! Help, I am hoping you will respond that it's okay to fly out to see him .
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Dear Long Distance Dater:
I commend you on honoring your own internal barometer. The fact that you took the time to write," I am not sure," signals to me that you have an awareness and concern that the distance will take its toll. Give yourself a pat on the back for not jumping into something before examining this closer.
Ask yourself these questions, and as mush as possible be present and connected to your intuition.
Question 1
Do you know where will you stay?
Setting a safety net boundary is paramount! Hearing a sweet voice on the phone is not enough these days, and I would not be ethically responsible if I did not alert you to this fact. Simply turn on the TV and you will hear story after story of attractive, charismatic..... serial killers....all who won over their victims with their sweet charms.
I am not suggesting that you invite negativity into this question, but instead, develop an air that you respect yourself enough to not put yourself into an unknown situation, and that you need to take this slow. Which by the way, leads me to my next question.
Question 2
Are you ready to fast forward a first date to a weekend?
This is tricky . You wrote he had a whole weekend planned, meaning will you be spending the whole day and evening with him ? Can you really be ready for that? How do you know that he is as you wrote, " amazing." Just seeing a picture, and talking on the phone a few times will not truly represent a person in the flesh, and who they are. Only time can do that, and thus, is the crux of long distance dating.
Then there is the other warning flag- you might not feel a connection at all when you meet him. You will then be stuck with this guy, finding to your horror that you have no similarities, same life goals, or worse, that he may look nothing like his picture. Which by the way, happens often in the online world.
What would happen then, and do you have an out, or an emergency planned ahead if he turns out to be Mr Frankenstein after all?
Please know, actions speak louder than kind words via the phone or online. Get to really know this person first, face to face, before you allow yourself to land into a dangerous situation.
Big suggestion here: How about using Skype a few times?
Question 3
Do you have the lifestyle to travel eight hours away to keep the relationship alive?
If you do feel a connection, then sooner or later someone will have to make a sacrifice to move. I believe that love is about compromise, not sacrifice. Unless you are willing, or had plans to relocate already FOR YOURSELF , then may I advise to tread lightly.
If you still choose to give it a try please, make sure to be realistic. Again, I am certainly not trying to blanket out any "dating can be fun" campfires. However, letting fantasies, or wanting to feel connected to someone dissolve safety boundaries can be dangerous.
Know it takes time to really know someone.
Remember, we all are on our best behaviors when we meet someone, and sometimes we get so stuck in the fairytale, that we forget what is the reality of a situation.
Best of luck !
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